Here are some shocking reasons women stay in abusive relationships.
Globally, women are predominately affected. In the
US alone, nearly a third of women
experience domestic violence in their lifetime. That is really high for a
country with a working system. What about those countries that cannot give
proper account of those been abused? On a typical day in the US, more
than 20,000 phone calls are made to domestic abuse hotlines – that is
incredible.
Many people are subjected to abuse because it’s way
easier to fall prey to abusive behavior. You don’t even realize on time that
you’re being abused in the first place. So, once stuck in that cycle it’s
difficult to leave.
An abuser systematically breaks down
your spirit, your self-confidence, self-worth, and opinions of themselves
over a long period of time, to the point where you distrusts your own
thoughts, feelings, and even beliefs. You just find yourself doubting every
single thing you do. If care is not taking, those around you might think you
have mental breakdown because your behavior will so change that you don’t know
it.
After a while, they replace these personal
characteristics with despair, heartbreak, disappointment, self-loathing, and
doubt. Making you easier to manipulate and feeling as though you must stay with
them because you’re worthless to anyone else.
In fact, several forms of abuse can lead to mental
disorder.
Read: What
To Do When In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is
harder than you think
I have a friend, Jessica (not real name) who was in
an emotionally abusive relationship some time ago. She stayed for far longer
than she should have. Even though I pointed it to her, she still couldn’t
leave. Although, he never physically abused her, emotional abuse can be just as
soul destroying and difficult to break out of because the bruises and scars
aren’t visible.
He had all the traditional behavior of an abuser: he
was annoyingly controlling, mood swings, ferociously manipulative, intimidation
and he’s got great bullying techniques. He is rated A++ for his abusive nature.
For years he picked away at her self-esteem, gaslighted her, and often told her
she could never leave him because no one would love someone like her. And she beyond
doubt believed him.
Thanks to goodness, she eventually realized how
toxic and consuming the relationship was, and so she left (though, after
several failed breakups). When she was in the relationship, his behavior became
so normalized that for years she thought all problems were entirely her fault.
It took her over a year to realize what she experienced was abuse. It’s a
difficult mentality to break from. Thanks to her friends who stood by her and
continuously talked to her with love about her abusive partner and reasons why
she needs to break free from his grip.
How to spot an abuser.
It is very important to spot red flags as quickly as
possible when you start dating someone. Be suspicious of intrusive or
controlling behavior. Always trust your instincts when it comes to intrusive or
controlling behavior. An abuser tries controlling 80% or every aspect of your
life and this includes — the way you dress, your work place or make you change
your occupation by giving flimsy reasons why you must change occupation or
career, who you hang out with, and where you go. They also control you time.
They tell you when to be home, how many hours to spend with your family, etc.
the list is unending.
Their plan, subconscious or not, is to destroy what
makes you who you are and replace it with what they find appealing and easy to
manipulate. There is no specific archetype of an abuser. Just because someone
appears to be caring or soft spoken with a successful career and loads of
friends, it doesn’t mean they aren’t potentially an abusive partner. Someone
could be very social and yet very abusive and manipulative when it comes to
their partner. Many people out there believe they should control their partner
and in achieving that, they become abusive and manipulative.
Many women are not believed when they try and out an
abusive partner because there is still a massively misguided notion that being
a good friend makes you a good person. In reality, it is possible for someone
to be well liked and respected amongst their friends, but violent, paranoid, or
wildly aggressive behind closed doors.
It is also important to note it doesn’t have to be
severe or physical for it to be considered abuse. Abuse comes in different forms
and shapes. They don’t have to lay a finger on you for it to scar or damage your
spirit. Look out for any gaslighting, humiliation, excessive infidelity, blame
shifting, hypercriticism, unreasonable jealousy, extreme mood swings, and
obsessive behaviors.
If you find the person you date is abusive, don’t
try to reason with them or give second chances. Just leave and move on. You
won’t be able to change them, because their behavior is so deeply ingrained
that they don’t even
realize it.
Understanding why women
stay in abusive relationships doesn’t have a simple answer. Abusive
relationship is so complicated and multi-dimensional that it’s not so simple to
suggest if someone is abused they should just take a bow. Instead learn to
support them and educate yourself so you don’t fall a victim.
Read: Why Do
Good People Have Bad Relationships?
Why do women stay in abusive
relationships? Here are 15 shocking reasons why
Sadly, there is still a huge stigma attached to
abuse. Often times, a lot of victim blaming still occurs. It’s a difficult
subject to deal with and often leads to many people asking, “Why do women stay
in abusive relationships?” why can’t they just leave?
What would be the justification of staying put,
knowing how badly they’re treated? In reality, the solution is not as simple as
it seems.
1. Maybe
he’ll change.
After suffering extensive mental manipulation and so
many failed attempts at leaving, many women often hope that this time will be
different.
They cling desperately to the hope that the man they
love will come to his senses that they believe his lies when he claims he’s
capable of change. This is a lie lots of women tell themselves in trying to
change an abusive partner. It just doesn’t work that way.
Read: 7
Relationship Compromises You Should Never Make
2. Complete
reliance on their partner.
Some abusers manipulate their partner into
codependency and reliance on them and this is another working method abuser use
in preying their victim. Many abused women who don’t have solid, full time jobs
rely solely on their partner to be the bread-winner in the house.
Sometimes the abuser controls what money their partner accesses, making it more
difficult to leave. Many women fall victim to abusers because of codependency
and absolute reliance on their partner. Some abusers carefully prey their
victim. They always search for women who are not financially stable because
they are easier to manipulate. It doesn’t mean rich ladies don’t fall for an
abuser – abusers are very skillful.
3. They are
not done loving them.
Love could be funny. When you have not been in an
abusive relationship, it seems foolish to still love your abuser, but it’s very
common. You feel like you still see something in them that redeems all the
things they put you through. Isn’t that crazy?
Jessica was finally strong enough to leave an
abusive relationship when she realized love alone wasn’t enough to keep them
together.
4. Such
women give too many second chances.
With reference to #1, when you’re treated as a bathmat, forgiving starts to come
easily to you. The victim feels like they should justify the actions of their
partner and explain away their actions.
They’re accustomed to hearing their partner
apologize and promise they’ll do better. They let them off because they love
them and hope they’ll change.
Read: 9
Early Signs of a Possessive Man You Don't Want to Overlook
5. They’re
fooling themselves.
Once their self worth and confidence has been
shattered repeatedly, they become accustomed to turning to the one person who
shows them “love.” Soon they think this is all they deserve. Either out of love
or pressure, they stay put and accept what they’re told their place is, while
believing things will eventually get better if they try harder at being a good
partner.
6. They feel
rapt in the relationship.
Many women feel they can’t leave. And you wonder
why? Sometimes it is for reasons like their partner emotionally blackmails them
by saying they’ll commit suicide if they leave or that no one else will love
them. This psychological torture convinces them that it’s better to stay and
deal with their circumstance than risk it and go.
7. They’ve
tried to leave and failed.
Yes, there’re too many cases to count of women who
left their abuser, only to be tracked down and beaten, threatened, or
sweet-talked into coming back. Leaving often has repercussions, especially in
physically abusive relationships, even death. So many women don’t attempt it.
8. They fear
for their lives.
Abuse is no joke. With reference to #7, it often
leads to women being terrified to leave in case their partner turns violent.
Every day around three women are murdered by a
current or former male partner. Leaving without repercussions is difficult for
an abused women.
9. They
still want to believe they’re loved, even when they know the truth.
They may still be truly convinced that their abusive
partner loves them. Or their partner has a different way of showing love. This is
a lie they chose to tell themselves.
10. They
have nowhere to go.
In some situations, escaping a nasty or cruel
environment is very difficult when you share a home with the abuser. Especially
when one of the partner (the victim) is financially incapacitated. In order to
fully get away, some take up anonymity and move to a totally new place is necessary
sometimes. Moving from your homeland, renting a new apartment, and moving away
from all of your friends, family and job is too much to put up with, so they
stay. They continue to endure in the abusive relationship.
Read: 10
Vital Signs Of A Controlling Partner
11. They hold
themselves responsible for any wrong in the relationship.
Lots of abused people are subjected to destruction
of their self esteem. This is done by their abuser with a well planned out pattern.
They repeatedly hear they’re the one at fault for any problems that crop up in
the relationship. They’re so brainwashed they just assume they’re wrong.
12. They fear
no one will believe their story.
Many cases of abuse go unreported and scot-free
because oftentimes, when women lay complain, they aren’t believed. Mind you, not
only women are victims of abusive partners. The statistic of men being abusive
is increasing by the moment. To get full proof of any form of abuse, you must document
evidence every day or anytime it happens. Else, there’s no proof other than
bruises or scars which the abuser can deny. And if you’re emotionally abused,
there’s rarely any or no physical evidence to use.
13. They
don’t want a botched marriage.
There’re thousands of women who simply cannot walk
out of their marriage because they share children with the abuser. In this
situation, they hate the idea of going through the painful, expensive process
of divorce. They also don’t want to put their children through a separation or,
worse, leave them behind. In some cases, no child is even involve, but the fear
of becoming divorced and single again scare them to their bones. But walking
out could be the honest best thing they could ever do for themselves.
14. They
feel pressured by other people around them.
Pressure to remain in a toxic relationship doesn’t
always come from the abuser. Sometimes it comes from friends and family. At
times it’s easier for people to dismiss typically abusive behavior when they’re
not in the relationship. They say things like: “He’s probably not that bad,”
“He’s never been horrible to me,” “I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” “But he is a
nice guy,” etc.
15. They don’t even
realize they’re in a toxic relationship.
Sometimes, especially with psychological or
emotional abuse, it’s difficult to understand what abuse looks and feels like. Except
someone calls you out. It’s easy to be talked into believing their behavior is
normal, or that you’re the catalyst for their mood swings. Remember that most
abusers know how to sweet talk. It took Jessica several years to recognize the
signs of abuse and accept it was time to move on.
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