Dating is a different ball game all together and it is tough enough, even when both people are in it equally. No matter how hard you make the relationship balance, whenever these signs of a controlling person pops up, it only gets worse and you really want to have a rethink.
Read: What To Do When In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
Do you know that manipulation is associated with a controlling person? A controlling person is also a manipulator. A controlling person is like aroma from a boiling pot of soup. No matter how hard you try to conceal the pot, it must always find its way out. So a controlling person will always show the signs of a controlling person no matter how hard they try to cover it up.
Take note that controlling people are excellent at covering their tracks. They are so good that they can cover it for several months or even years.
It is not supported in any form that one person should control the other especially in a relationship. So watching out for these signs of a controlling person can keep you out of danger while ensuring you’re in a healthy and happy relationship.
Should you give a controlling person the benefit of the doubt?
It’s a capital NO. You may ask why: this is because controlling is actually unacceptable. Being jealous or needy is something that can be improved or worked on with time, but if someone desires power of you (your will) and what you do or who you see, it is time to cut ties and you should cut it like a piece of cake quickly.
Read: Why Do Good People Have Bad Relationships?
Controlling people are really good at their games that you can’t see just how controlling they are because they might hide under subtle manipulation. Often times, someone in a relationship with a controlling person is so used to to being controlled they don’t even realize it.
One of the ways to know if your partner is controlling is by asking those around you as you may be too blinded by their skillfulness that you won’t see it no matter how hard you try. Ask those around you (reliable friends, colleagues and family) what they think about your partner. Tell them to be straight with you. Your friends know how you feel (happy or not). Trust them to tell you what you need to hear and they’ll sure do justice to that.
You may be blinded by love, but good friends and family will tell you the truth about your relationship if you truly want to know. If you are always anxious, worried or frazzled about your relationship, there is a good chance you just don’t realize you’re with a controlling person.
The signs of a controlling person can be major or so subtle you would miss them unless you use an x-ray machine to look for them. Hopefully, the following signs help you keep your eyes open to the reality of your partner’s behavior.
1. They play the guilt card.
Playing the guilt card is very common with
manipulators. Guilting is the golden rule of a controlling person. They use
their “false love” as fish hook to reel you in. If you question them they’ll
pretend to be upset and guilt you into apologizing for their own wrong.
Using guilt to control you works perfectly because
it makes you feel like you did something wrong. And you don’t blame them for
their behavior. Instead, you question your own.
Read: The Red Flags To Look Out For In Your Relationship
2. They don’t trust you for no reason.
Trust in relationship is very needful if you must
enjoy a healthy relationship. It plays a major role in control, yes, you heard
me. If someone trusts you, they have no reason to want to control you, right?.
But if they don’t trust you without an actual reason, there’s something up their
sleeves.
If they question your actions or need you to change your behavior for them to trust you, it is them being controlling, not you being suspicious. But if you have a bad behavior or character, you want to check that too.
Read: 10
Subtle Signs He Doesn't Trusts Her
3. They expect you to trust them.
With reference to #2, they expect you to trust them
without questioning their state of mind. This person does not trust you, yet
expects you to totally trust them. They easily become defensive the moment
you question them after doing something wrong or weird. And be sure they’ll
turn it around on you like you are the mole in the system.
Read: 12 Early Signs of a Manipulative Woman You Should Not Ignore
Those who are controlling hate to be controlled or perceive they are in such situation. Simply asking them a question seems like a trigger and they may take it as an attack.
4. They will always tell you that they aren’t controlling you, even when it’s obvious they do.
If you become conscious of what is going on and
confront them, they’ll convince you that isn’t the case. They tell you that
you’re overreacting over nothing. They may play trick with your mind by telling
you beforehand that you will soon accuse them of controlling you. For instance,
you might be having a simple conversation with them and before long, they’ll
say let me stop before you’ll say I am controlling.
Note that the percentage of a controlling person to change is almost 0% and their controlling you won’t stop until you take a walk out the relationship.
5. You want to walk out of the relationship, but walking out is scary.
A controlling relationship could be suffocating especially
if you’ve being in the relationship for a long time. Most of the time, we blame ourselves
or even become numb to the abuses we go through in the relationship hoping for
a miracle.
If you’re scared walking out the relationship might be dangerous or they may retaliate against you in a negative way, it is best to get some help quickly. You should involve someone else in this journey. Be the police, a trustworthy friend or family member. There’re good number of NGOs that are willing to help anyone in dangerous or life threatening situations. Your safety and happiness comes first in any relationship.
6. You panic when you have to tell them things.
Anything abrupt sets a controlling person off. So you
not only want to avoid a fight with your controlling partner, you also don’t want
to give them another reason to control you further because you now know their
antics, yet you panic when you have to tell them something. This isn’t right in
any form.
So if you got invited to an event, got promoted at work, a better job offer in the same state or province or far away and you’re troubled rather than excited to tell this person, then something is definitely wrong and that might just be that they’re controlling you big time.
7. They may be abusive both emotionally and physically.
There’s no subtleness when it comes to control.
Though a controlling partner could be subtle for sometime especially if the
relationship is fresh from the oven, over time, it can become pretty abusive either
emotionally, physically or both. If this person talks down to you, makes you feel
bad about yourself, or force you to depend on them, get help and support from
someone you trust and take a walk out of the relationship. And if their control
escalates to physical abuse call the relevant agencies: Eg the Police, Federacion Internationalé De Abogadas
now International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA), Cleen Foundation, ACTS Generation, Crime Victims Foundation Nigeria (CRIVIFON), etc.
Read: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting You Should Not Ignore
8. Controlling partners have no empathy.
Someone controlling has no empathy. Normally,
relationships experience ups and downs and this might include fighting, but
when times get tough, you’re both there for each other and come out of the
challenge or situation stronger than ever. But in a controlling relationship,
when you go through tough times, rather than making it easier on you,
they make it way harder and you question their love for you. Yet, you stay back
hoping for a miracle. The chances of a controlling person changing from being
such, is almost or near impossible. So if you can’t stay-in, stay-out.
Read: 9 Big Emotional Needs In A Relationship That Binds It
9. Manipulation.
Control and manipulation go together. The difference
is that manipulation is a more subtle version of control. Manipulation
uses reverse psychology to make you think you’re making your own choices.
Whereas in the real sense they’re manipulating you big time. And they do this
through guilt, anger, fear, etc. A controlling person or partner will convince
you to do what they want trickily.
10. They want your social media and phone password but you can’t have theirs.
This is a modern version of a controlling behavior.
If someone wants access to your personal social channels or your phone, it
could be a major red flag in the sense that they don’t trust you, you they
don’t trust themselves because they have something rolled up their sleeves.
Even if you have nothing to hide, when someone trusts you, there is no need for such a massive invasion of privacy except something has changed in some way.
Within a healthy relationship there’re boundaries and independence set in motion directly or not. While in a controlling one, there will be a dysfunction with everything.
If your partner is exhibiting any of these signs of
a controlling person, your best bet is to get out as soon as possible. Waiting
it out does not work. Hoping they’ll change might be a wait in vain.
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