Love, as happy and blissful as it seems, can still be a minefield of confusions. If you’re unaffectionate, your partner may think you don’t love them.
The
truth is, not all of us get taken for granted. And almost all the time, it’s
just a few kinds of people who get taken for granted all the time, by everyone
around them – the irony of life.
Most often, every relationship starts with insecurities and confusions.
We
always ask these questions;
Does
my partner really love me?
Am
I good enough for my partner?
Will
my partner ever leave me?
Will my significant other cheat on me someday?
Read:
11
Easy Types Of Relationship Problems
Even if both of you are madly in love with each other, you may find these questions popping up every now and then. And it’s this insecurity that makes you try harder to woo your significant other all the time, even if both of you are dating already. Which it isn’t a bad idea.
When do partners start taking each other for granted.
You want to be reassured in love, because uncertainty just drives you crazy. But as the relationship age gradually from a few weeks into months or years, you may start to feel more reassured in love and you may start to realize that your significant other really does love you and may not leave you for anyone else.
Read: 11 Signs He’s Willing To Change
Unfortunately, it’s at this point that lovers start taking each other for granted without knowing it. It’s at this point of time when gestures and expressions turn into expectations and demands.
When you start to believe your partner would never leave you because they’re so much in love with you, your mind starts to take it easy and you may not try hard to woo them or impress them as you usually do at the early stage of your relationship.
How do partners take each other for granted?
Note that not all partners take each other for granted. Unfortunately most do, even if they don’t realize it. It is possible since both of you started dating, you may be doing something special for your partner from time to time, like planning a surprise birthday party or cooking their special meal each time they come home.
And at some point, your partner may turn this romantic gesture of your affection into an expectation and if you don’t do it, that becomes a problem.
Read: Female Insecurities That Most Men Don’t Grasp
Read: 12 Male Insecurities That Women Don’t Realize
Another practical example is if you do plan an elaborate birthday party for your significant other every year and surprise them with gifts on their birthday. You probably have to save for several months without their knowledge so you can afford it, and one particular birthday, you decided to take it easy for one reason or the other and just take your lover out for dinner at a restaurant (fancy one or not), you may still find that your partner may be slightly annoyed with you and that’s a clear case of being taken for granted by your partner.
Should you stop being affectionate to your lover?
The answer is NO in caps. It only means you need to start letting your partner know just how much of an effort you’re taking each time. Don’t be a sacrificial victim. You may think being a silent sacrificial victim works because your partner would understand just how devoted and loving you are someday, but it doesn’t always work that way.
Read: How To Get Your Boyfriend To Be Affectionate And Caring
When you’re being taken for granted by your lover, it all starts with your overwhelming silent love, and your partner’s lack of reciprocation and increase in expectations.
You have every right to expect your partner to treat you with the same love and affection that you shower upon them. And the day you start to believe that you need to do more to win their affection or to hold on to them, that’s the day they’d start to take you for granted.
Note: Do you ever feel like you’re being taken for granted by your partner? Know that we are not all saints and any of us could feel just a little bit disappointed now and then when it comes to expectations from our partner. But there’s a thin line between taking your gestures for granted and taking you as a person for granted. It’s a different ball game.
Here are the signs to know if you’re being taken for granted in your relationship.
If you find any of these signs in your love life, you really need to talk to your partner about it, or you may end up feeling miserable and useless in the relationship, even if you’re the one who’s more giving and loving in the relationship.
1. They get very impatient with you.
Your
partner loses their temper very easily while trying to explain something to
you. At other times, they intentionally explain it in a way that’s too complex
to understand just to make you feel stupid.
2. The respect is gone.
With reference to #1, impatience could also mean disrespect. Most people become impatience with their partner when they don’t respect them anymore.
A question that’s going to be popping into your head a lot when you’re being taken for granted in a relationship is: Where’s the respect?
Your partner treats you like a furniture, or a piece of wood. They never thank you, they rarely smile at you or return the gesture.
They make plans and don’t tell you or they cancel plans you both have at the last minute with no justifiable reason. They are not interested in doing things with you. They show no concern about your personal life.
They just check-out anytime they want to like you aren’t present.
When
respect is gone in a relationship, we’re talking about unanswered calls and
texts sent the love of your life. They go out without mentioning it to you and
spend all the time they want out alone.
The truth is that your significant other does not respect you.
They
don’t even necessarily get angry at you or start arguments. They just don’t
care.
Read: How To Show Respect In A Relationship And Love One Another Better
3. They just don’t admit their mistakes even when they’re wrong.
They
suddenly have a very big ego and they just don’t ever want to see you outdo
them at something they initially take pleasure at. They believe that looking small
in front of you or apologizing to you is an insult to their ego or personality.
4. They act creepy and isolated when you’re out with friends.
It’s
actually awkward.
Remember
the days when you and your significant other went out and had fun. A pleasant dinner,
a night out, a get-together at a friend’s place, etc.
Now
it’s all just awkward because it’s all gone.
With reference to #2, if they ever do come out with you, their eyes dart around and they seem to be in a constant competition to get out of there as soon as possible.
Your
partner becomes shifty, indifferent and full of fake laughs.
Soon, your friends start to feel the weird vibes they are emitting and soon you too just want to get out of the situation.
5. Your sacrifices don’t add up.
You
may have sacrificed many things for your lover, your happiness, your life or
even your future. But yet, your partner doesn’t respect you and still behaves
like you’re such a small part of the relationship.
6. You are absolutely their last priority.
You
know the feeling right?
You’ve
invested in the relationship and helping out in various ways (emotionally, literally,
with advice, etc) but your partner just doesn’t give a helping hand at all.
It could be on several levels, but you’re going to feel the absence of their help.
Whether
it’s money, emotional support, advice, helping out with tasks and practical
things.
Your
partner’s just not there.
They have more important things to do than be there for you or your relationship.
It’s
crystal clear and it feels awful. That’s because you’re most likely being taken
for granted by them.
It’s like your partner is getting everything done in their lives except anything related to you or your relationship.
You
are absolutely their last priority, and that’s not a good place to be at all in
a relationship.
7. They don’t return your calls or text messages. If you notice your partner don’t call you back even if several hours pass by and you know they’re not that busy. It is even worse when you confront them about it and they say that they completely forget about it! It speaks volume about how they feel about you at the moment.
Read: How To Deal With A Dry Texter
8. Romance does not exist any longer.
You
don’t get roses or nice dinners or a romantic text anymore when you’re being
taken for granted in a relationship. You can expect zero gifts, zero kind words
except for the occasional listless “love you too” and no extra hugs, kisses or
intimacy on a cold Friday night.
When your partner is still all in, they’ll value you. But when you’re no longer valued and sought after by your partner, know that something is definitely off. You feel more like a book on a shelf. You feel like a second class citizen or a used furniture waiting to be dumped and even though you try to reach out to them or schedule special occasions and take advantage of spontaneous situations that could be romantic and bring back the spark, your partner ducks out, signifying they know what they are doing and don’t want you to take them unawares.
Even trying to hold your partners hands can be like trying to grip an umbrella in a tornado.
Where did the romance go might be a question that’s always popping in your head.
You
need to bring it up directly with your partner because taking someone for
granted is totally wrong.
Read: How To Reconnect with Your Partner For Sparkling Romance
9. They don’t have time for you anymore.
You
may make plans several weeks in advance, but they keep cancelling it with silly
reasons all the time. But yet, each time they make plans, even in the last
minute, they expect you to drop everything and be there for them.
10. They expect more from you all the time.
You
know a happy relationship shouldn’t feel this way, but yet, you just endure it
in the hope that they may see just how giving and loving you are, hoping they
will change. But the harder you try, the more they take you for granted and
expect more from you. No matter what you do, it’s just never enough to please
them. It simply means you’re being taking for granted and this is not acceptable.
11. They shut you down whenever they feel like.
Just
like how insults and negative comments can bring you even further down.
If
your partner is bringing you down and making your issues worse it’s time to
honestly ask yourself how much they care about you or take you for granted.
Would someone who does not want to lose you comment in carelessly hurtful ways on your look, acquaintances, life, occupation or relatives?
Would
someone who cares about what you have make disastrous financial decisions that
get in the way of your future goals and then undermine you by saying your goals
weren’t that important to start with?
A partner who puts the other one down is someone with deeper issues and they need to deal with them themselves. It is unfortunate that you can’t do it for them.
Don’t
be part of this toxic attempt to boost their own self-esteem at your expense. Don’t
also buy into their mind games that try to convince you nobody else will ever
love you so you have to accept whatever they give you.
You do not need to accept someone who takes you for granted and treats you like trash. You need to take them as trash and throw them out the door before you lose your mind to their mind game.
12. They don’t panic losing you.
How
can you tell? It’s easy to know. When they don’t seem to care with whom you go out
with or what you’re doing even if you mention you’ll be going to a party or out
with an old friend you met on the train. And some other times, they may make
bold statements in light or heated arguments like “you’ll never find someone as
good as me” or “I’m sure you know I’m too good for you!”
13. They manipulate you emotionally.
Emotional
manipulation can become a form of abuse. I know because I’ve been on the
receiving end.
You may try to tell yourself that it’s not a big deal or that your partner is simply going through a rough time.
Read: Signs And How To Fix A Manipulative Relationship
But here’s the simple truth:
There’s
absolutely no excuse for emotional manipulation in a relationship if your
significant other truly loves you.
Emotional manipulation is a red flag in a relationship.
Read: The Red Flags To Look Out For In Your Relationship
How to know you are being manipulated in a relationship:
A. Everything wrong is your fault, even things you had no involvement in.
B. Your life is just there to please your partner.
C. When the power dynamic is all on one side, which is the opposite side from you.
D. The emotional manipulator is generally a narcissist.
E. They will pull out all the stops and break up with you then ask to get back together under certain conditions.
F. It is in their nature to build you up and then accuse you of being bossy and toxic.
G. They will shout at you and ask why you are always so difficult as you cry because of the hurt.
H. They will dispense intimacy like a gumball machine, carefully controlling how much you get and smacking your hand if you try to reach out for more.
In
an emotional manipulated relationship, you are taken for granted as a recipient
of their own internal psychological drama, and the best time to walk out of the
relationship was yesterday, the very second chance to do so or best time, is right
now.
Yes, it might be difficult to, but take that bold step and be free again.
14. Being forgotten is your other name.
You’re used to being forgotten because it’s been
happening for so long that you don’t even think about it anymore. It has become
a part of you since your partner forgets your birthday or your special days. Your
partner doesn’t know what’s happening in your life, and doesn’t take the
initiate to even ask you about your day because they believe their life is so
much more important than yours with reference to #13.
15. Double standards in the relationship.
How to spot double standards in your relationship:
A. Your partner demands that they be your priority, but you’re not their priority.
B. They want full emotional honesty and openness from you but they stay as closed as a top-security CIA agent.
C. They cancel on you disrespectfully whenever they want, but if you even cancel once on them they will throw a temper outburst.
D. They prioritize spending time with friends but never spend time with yours and act annoyed if you even bring it up.
E. “Why are you always so demanding to me?” they might ask.
F. They expect you to appreciate and care about their life, job and problems but don’t care about what you’re going through.
The
list of double standards can be endless.
16. You’re not their priority.
With
reference to #6, your partner may not admit this, but you know this by now. You
don’t feel like you’re an essential part in their life, and see yourself as probably
a second or even third option in their life.
17. They cheat on you.
Being
cheated on hurts and it makes you feel like garbage. Unfortunately, many
people get cheated on.
It’s a clear sign you’ve been taken for granted.
Read: How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Cheating
As you learn to keep your standards high and love yourself you will grow to see that unhealthy relationships and codependent situations can never really become true love.
18. The good lovin’ is gone.
Physical
intimacy is still an important part of a relationship but it isn’t everything
in a relationship.
When your partner takes you for granted it can go hand-in-hand with them stopping giving you physical attention or only giving you physical attention.
When you are no longer valued your partner may withdraw from you and seek sex and intimacy elsewhere, or they may “recategorize” you as only an object of pleasure and constantly want only sex.
They’re trying to get your panties or boxers down, but if the topic of future plans or anything about you comes up, they’re miles away.
At the other hand, they may even hold up sex as a barter, making you feel like you “owe” them intimacy because of their commitment to you.
These intimacy issues to either extreme need to be honestly discussed, because unless something else is going on they are a sign that you’re being taken for granted.
19. Your point of view is stupid.
It’s
time to hear more reasons why your partner happens to be right about everything
but everything you say is just stupid nonsense. This is really annoying especially
when you know your worth.
20. Your favors turn into expectation.
Your
special favors have now turned into expectations. Even if you do something
special, your partner believes it’s your responsibility to do that. And if you
don’t do something nice as frequent as possible, your partner gets angry with
you.
21. You know you deserve to be treated better.
You
feel this, but you’re too scared to say it to your partner. And you’re too
broken inside to even acknowledge that you deserve something better even though
you know you’re being wronged in the relationship.
22. Your world irritates them - They don’t listen to you.
Your
lover constantly forgets what you say even if you remind them about it several
times. They may not be a bad person, but this kind of behavior just shows how
low on their list of priorities you are. If they can’t even remember something
you ask, it’s obvious there are other things that are of more importance to
them.
When anything about you pisses them off, it is a sure sign you are being taking for granted.
23. You are frequently blamed.
It
is possible you treat your partner with a lot of love and great affection and
you may try very hard to please them always. But all you do just goes
unnoticed.
When
you are frequently blamed, your mistakes stay with you. That is, they make it a
point to never forget it and keep reminding you by bringing it up anytime they
have the opportunity to.
24. They’re unavailable emotionally.
Did your partner suddenly transformed into a stranger who can’t answer calls, reply texts any more or even muster a smile?
It’s
possible you woke up and your partner decided to turn their back at the
relationship and switched off on YOU. It is really a terrible feeling you don’t
want to experience.
You want your loved one to be there through the ups and downs of life, you want the person you care about to be someone who can lean on you and you can lean on them. But not in a codependent or clingy way, but in a loving and mature way.
25. You’re unnoticed.
With
reference to #23, your partner is indifferent towards you. Sometimes, they
don’t answer your questions, at other times, they just give you a dark stare
and walk away even if you ask them something.
26. Your advice means nothing to them.
One
thing that comes with a healthy relationship is respectfully advice sharing and
having meaningful conversations. That
is a good relationship.
When you’re being taken for granted in a relationship, your partner doesn’t come to you for advice. They prefer a third party (their friends especially and parents or siblings).
And
you willing give them one, they just don’t want to hear it. It’s like any word
coming from
you
stinks.
They put up emotional walls so you cannot reach them in any way possible. But they still give you advice or call it orders that you’re expected to listen to very carefully and follow to the letter and failure to do so means disaster. At this point, you feel worthless and unappreciated. That is being taken for granted means.
27. They intentionally over commit themselves at work.
Being
committed at work is a good idea. This means a great deal, ok? But it is something
else when someone becomes over committed. Most often, they are running from or
avoiding something or someone in their life, likely their partner.
With over commitment at work, they are trying hard to cut-off emotionally.
They
give excuses like “I’d love to be home early but I have to get this report done and these emails
answered.” If this has become a regular reply to your request, chances are,
they are taken you for granted.
Because chances are if your partner wasn’t taking you for granted they would be able to see beyond their work desk and appreciate the love you have for them.
Over committing at work is actually the perfect pretext if you complain. An over committing partner at work will give the following reply if you complain about their unavailability:
“Don’t you appreciate what I’m doing to support us?”
“I thought you knew that my job is very important to me?
Don’t you value what I do?”
Note that “working late” as an excuse always can be the perfect excuse for a cheating partner.
28. You wonder if they even care.
Your
instincts tell you that your partner doesn’t even care about you. And almost
all the time, you feel like you’re just being used in the relationship to cater
to the whims and fancies of your partner.
29. You feel blacklisted.
If
you’re being taken for granted it can sometimes feel like you’ve just been
blacklisted without knowing why.
You start to get the sensation you’re trapped in an epic novel grasping to understand some hidden code you’ve broken and to find some reason for the emotional torture and cruelty you’re experiencing.
You try to start conversations but they always bounces back by a blank wall of indifference.
You
watch your partner plan his or her daily and long-term life without any mention
of you or your relationship.
When you eventually talk with your partner, it feels more like you are talking to a business partnership and not the love of your life. You might be wondering what is happening because you know it isn’t on your end.
At this instance, you start to feel like they’ve already broken up with you without mentioning it yet.
It could really be confusing and it hurts a lot.
30. They show more care to people than you.
After
all, there’s nothing wrong with your partner going out of their way to help an
old friend or pick up a relative at the airport, help a stranger or comfort a
sick friend, etc.
For instance, watching a man who is in touch with his hero instinct can be inspiring and increase the love that a woman has for him.
The problem is that the hero instinct is something his woman should be triggering and be on the receiving end of, not just friends, family and strangers.
Watching a woman who is in touch with her strong independent side is also sexy and increases the love a strong man has for her.
The problem starts when she becomes so independent and strong that she kicks her man into the dust and treats him like an emotional doll.
A partner who is helpful and caring to everyone is wonderful. But if it’s happening at your expense then you’re being taken for granted.
Take a closer look at how they treat you against how they treat others. Is there a major imbalance? If so, that’s not OK. You’re definitely being taken for granted. Though sometimes your partner might not even realize their behavior, you might need to draw their attention to it and see their response. If they shut you out, there is more to it.
31. They milk you.
When
you’re being taken for granted you can sometimes feel like a cow that’s getting
milked.
You’re
milked for attention, for affection, for help and milked for money.
If your partner expects you to help out with money and finances but never chips in themselves and only makes vague promises to help out in the future then they’re taking you for granted.
I don’t mean you should not lend a helping hand to your partner when needed. But it should not always be one-sided.
Our relationship with money is actually rooted deeply in how we were raised and our beliefs around scarcity and gain.
Our financial future is much brighter when we learn to see that how we relate to money is often how we relate to ourselves.
When we have a healthy relationship to money it can reflect a healthier relationship with our own energy and self, leading to increased control in our relationship and better balance of financial issues that can lead to us being taken for granted and used by our partner.
Read: Why Do Good People Have Bad Relationships?
32. They hardly ever talk to you or gaze at you.
When
you love someone, you value their attention and the connection you both share. But
when that breaks down you can feel left behind.
Generally, it’s never a good idea to stake your worth or validation on another person, (your partner inclusive) and the expectations that build up can be absolutely emotionally shattering when they crumble.
Read: What Did You Learn From Your Previous Relationship?
It’s no secret that life can get busy and stressful.
But in times of worry and pressure it’s nice to know you can turn to your relationship as a safe haven, a place of comfort and connection.
For many people in relationships, however, this is simply not the case.
That’s
because many of us are being taken for granted in their relationship. Does your
partner give about as much attention to you as a piece of burnt toast while
they check their phone in the morning?
Are they just preoccupied and going through a rough time that has nothing to do with you or the relationship or have they started seeing you as a replaceable doormat? You just might need to find out first.
Read: The Negative Effect Of A Toxic Relationship
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